…in which I swear there are cataclysmic waterfalls and rain and oceans behind my eyes threatening to spill and drown me and those around me. It’s one of those days when I can’t get out of bed and all I do is hate myself because whyamIthisbrokenwrongtwistedbad? All I see is something broken, useless and unwanted. All I see is wrong and there is this emptiness, this void inside me (ithurtsithurtsithurts) and I swear something is missing and it was so goddamn important but I don’t know what it was. All I do is hurt and lie in bed with nothing but pain between my lashes and cheeks, with a scream barely contained behind my lips.
“What is wrong with me?” I ask at my own reflection looking back at myself with nothing but the blackest hate.
It’s one of those days when I don’t want to die but rather never been born at all, when I want to have my existance erased from this world, for my family to never have known me, for my friends to forget me because how could they want a girl with a parasol made of thunderstorms and a cloak made of shadows? A girl with a monster shadowing her every step, claws buried deep in her mind and soul, having control of her limbs and tongue that It uses it as a sword.
And my parents call me a narcissist, I must be in love with myself, my own perfection, they say; but they can’t see the mask for what it is. They can’t see that I’d rather show myself as arrogant, as egotistical than showing I have no love for this dark, lonesome creature; hurt means weakness and the vultures would jump on me if they saw. They would bring me down even more. Humans have a thing for hurting that which is already dying.
Today I lie and cry in bed drowned by my own sorrow and solitude, and wonder what went wrong with me when I was born. I miss the thing that I have lost, that left the darkest void inside me, and wonder if it was even there in the first place. I ask the universe to unmake me but it doesn’t answer; and so I plug my earbuds to my phone and play the calm rhythmic song and shut my eyes to take the waters back and pray for sleep to mute the monster. I scream and scream and scream for hours for it hurts too much but no one listens, no one ever does.